If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
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Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
for all #parents out there
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
repaired