Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
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Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I can’t stop watching this.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time