approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Limited budget
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?