When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
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How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
me logging onto twitter
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*