I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
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If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.