[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
the clam before the storm
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Lmao the reply