*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.