PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
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Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup