where the womens at?
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You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.