i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
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LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Spa day..😅
how high up are we talkin’?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
True
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…