me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
You Might Also Like
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
incredible text to wake up to
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.