[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
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If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Best spot.. 😅
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Natty or not?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”