[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
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*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.