“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful