Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
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The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.