Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?