*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
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If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
At least my masseuse has my back.
Only short people can save us
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any