I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
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My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast