You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
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guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Fidel Castro was alive?
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
#Caturday
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches