Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
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I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
👾👾👾
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on