signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
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Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Mistakes were made
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Okay
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?