“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*