Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
You Might Also Like
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
motivation
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season