Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.