PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
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goldfish mafia
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
<—- homeless romantic
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit