[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.