If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
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It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.