added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
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Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Breaking news:
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥