“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
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If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I feel seen
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.