Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
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Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
The Birdles
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-