I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
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You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.