Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
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Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.