My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
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Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
When life hands you women, make women laid.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.