[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
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I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Just me and my debit card against the world
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.