My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
#Caturday
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.