“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
You Might Also Like
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too