Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
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[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
checking out some reviews of my local library
What the dentist sees
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
*Seductively hides in the woods