The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
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I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
This bar smells like my childhood.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me: