Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
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If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos