Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
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If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”