Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people