If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
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We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
#Caturday
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs