RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
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dam girl
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.