He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
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I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.