Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
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sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Weirdly Wednesday.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Please do it!
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo