If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
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Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.