So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Oh. My. God.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes