I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.