Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
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The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”