My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
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meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Always a housemaid, never a house.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.